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- His favorite thing to do was hold me down and spit in my eyes, ears and my mouth.
- His next favorite thing to do was soap his face up and hold me down and let the soap drip from his face into my eyes.
- He beat me everywhere clothes would cover, so the world couldn’t see.
- When that wasn’t enough, he snuck me the date rape drug.
- First, HE raped me. When he got up, he stood back and watched as his friend raped me.
- He stood in the doorway and watched the whole thing. I was 17 years-old. All to repay a debt he owed.
- He said, “I asked for it.” He blamed me.
- He said, “I know you have been secretly lusting after my friends.”
- He said, “I watched the whole thing from the doorway and you looked and sounded like you were really enjoying it, I heard you moaning!” The room was pitch black except for the light in the crack of the doorway. It’s all I could see and his evil glare.
- He said, “It didn’t look like you were fighting him off to me!”
- He said, “It looked like you were enjoying it.
- I was on a bare floor, paralyzed, how much fighting could I do? I couldn’t scream, my screams where muffled by a paralyzed moan. He knew I was not sexually active at the time and I was not on birth control. Neither of them wore condoms when they raped me.
When I finally woke up from the biggest sleep of my life, I realized that it was me that was allowing ME to be in the situation I was in; not anyone else. If the abuse happened one time and I ran that would be one thing, but I stayed. When I finally woke up and realized my value, I took my child and I ran. I ran and I never looked back. We have the power as women and men to be as strong as we want to be. We have the ability to be as powerful as we want to be. We can stand, we are stronger when we stand together.
Most of us are familiar with the Ray Rice incident and a few other incidents of abuse that have been in the news lately. What is so disturbing about the Ray Rice situation, is the overwhelming overtone of hate and punishment. I can understand why people are in an uproar over the incident with Janay and Ray Rice. However, it feels like a lot of that energy is coming from a negative place. It’s not coming from a truly loving and concerned place. It’s more of a “he’s an animal for attacking her and she’s a dumb idiot for staying.” Or, she hit him too, so they both deserve each other.
I don’t understand why anyone would think they are helping a victim by attacking them? You can’t help anyone by attacking them. When we attack someone, we become just as bad of a victimizer as they are.
I ask, please, open your hearts. Many people who are abusers, took on the spirit of the person or persons that abused them. Abusers are often victims of abuse too. Not everyone who has been abused has the power to go on with their lives positively. Many abusers that have been abused themselves, become victims trapped on what I call, “victims row”. Just as a person who is on death row is sometimes referred to as “dead man walking”, abusers become trapped in a similar mentality. They have a feeling of hopelessness, self-doubt, low self-esteem, and the feeling they must have done something to have deserved to be abused. Therefore, other people deserve to be abused, just as they were abused, or worse sometimes. Often, it is the only way of life their spirit knows. Sometimes, abusers are helpless, until someone helps them. Of course, there are always exceptions to every rule.
Let’s stand together and help each other and not tear each other down. I’m calling all women and men who have been abused before. I’m calling all women and men who have abused before.
Let’s show the world that we can stand together to end domestic violence and every other type of abuse. It doesn’t matter if it’s a woman or a man being abused. It doesn’t matter if it is a woman or a man that is the abuser. Abuse is NEVER okay, under any circumstance, no matter if it is a woman or a man being abused.
The Ray and Janay Rice elevator incident stands as a reminder of the nature and rate of domestic violence and abuse in this country.
Guilty or not guilty, innocent or not, it doesn’t negate the fact that there is a huge problem with domestic violence and abuse of all kinds against humanity, even animals, in this country, in this world!
Read more about my life story and how I went on to become a survivor!
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